Hey, it’s so great to learn that you’re not an asshole. You’re a drunk asshole. Thanks for disappearing on that month long bender.

looking for a web designer to help me build the next myspace,twitter!

THIS IS A DEFERED PAY SITUATION. MEANING YOU GET PAID WHEN I START MAKING SOME MONEY OFF OF THE SITE. ALSO WHEN IT BLOWS UP YOU WILL BE WORKING UNDER ME MAKING SERIOUS CASH. SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY.

Asshole

hey asshole,

Thanks for sending me your comments on the design as a graphic you made in ms paint and then embedded into a word doc. Oh, and you’d like clip art of molecules and outer space everywhere? Great idea, boss.

“Hey, you know that print ad you made us?  The one with the really awkward dimensions and the impossible amount of copy, that you spent forever working on to make it look good?  Well, it looks great! …  Can you just swap out all the copy with this new document that has nowhere near the same word count nor will work with your old layout? Thanks.”

- Asshole (paraphrased)

Love being pestered night and day to do work for the guy who hasn’t paid his bills for over a year.

The only thing better than your bad attitude is your poor grasp of grammar, syntax and punctuation

I love that someone who claims “40+ years of commissioning private artists” thinks the following e-mail is appropriate:

“This what I plan to do,

Cancel the orderPrint up all these lengthy and self indulgent emails you have sent + my answers and give themto the nice lady who recommended you to me three months ago. Don’t know about all-caps sentences. Only answering to yours.I have no idea who you are but suggest the following:Zanax, A new profession, A hammer to the temple. You have now been placed in the spam section of my emails.”
DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I THINK I AM?????No. No I don’t. All I know is YOU DIDN’T PAY ME, SO I’M NOT DELIVERING THE PROJECT.


p.s. I printed YOUR douchebag e-mail and gave it to the “nice lady” at the gallery. So now she knows how YOU treat private commissions.

Somehow I’m in a contract with a client who will only pay me when he’s got no more issues with the project. Each time it’s finished he’ll cook up something small for me to do, and file issues one. At. A. Time.

A sure way to ensure I waste my time and he can avoid paying me.

Asshole.

The gimme mores

I love the clients that treat everything as a what else can you get me. No, publications can’t devote their entire issue to you. Sorry, you aren’t that important.

The Incredible Shrinking Budget

“You know how we asked you to rewrite your proposal 4 times for all those grants? Yeah, we didn’t get any of those. Can you just do the work for a quarter of the budget?  Thanks.”

Asshole

Ever find out your client might be a hooker?

Yes, you really did need to let me know that you were involved in something potentially illegal before I read about it the paper. Yes, you do seem unprofessional because of it.